By Chloe Kiparsky
I’m standing by my locker. Someone walks by and says “Hi, how are you?” I start to respond and then realize they’ve walked past me without waiting for me to say anything. I stand there, feeling stupid because I shouldn’t have expected them to actually want to hear about how I’m doing.
Yeah. I don’t see the point of the culture of asking how people are, feeling like it’s unacceptable to say anything but “good”, and then ending up walking away without having gained anything from the conversation - if it can even be called that.
I am a big believer in interactions and conversations that are meaningful, or at least have some substance to them. If I don’t come away from an interaction feeling like I’ve gained something or have had a genuine moment with the person, it feels like there was no point to it at all.
When someone carelessly throws a “hihowareyou” at me, it feels very different than the few people I know who genuinely care about the well-being of others, and demonstrate it that way. You can see the difference between when it’s purposeful and when there is no thought behind it.
It’s not just “how are you” that’s the problem, it’s the whole politeness and etiquette culture that we have. I don’t oppose being polite, but when that bleeds into conversations that could be possibly very impactful, that’s where the problem starts.
I have a friend with whom I have a special greeting. Every time we pass each other in the hallway or see each other, one of us initiates a greeting by letting out a “whoop!” The other person will “whoop!” back, and then we’ll go our separate ways. Even if we don’t look at each other or don’t say anything else, it feels like a valuable exchange.
I don’t know what it is about it that makes me so happy, but when I say “whoop,” I feel complete. I don’t feel obligated to continue talking, nor do I feel like I wasn’t seen. That’s what greetings should be saying. They should be saying “I see you, you see me, and nothing else has to be said.” In other cultures, they have gestures and mannerisms that mean that, but in English, we don’t. This isn’t just a problem of people carelessly throwing words at each other, it’s that we as a society don’t see each other.
We tend to try to fill up silence and gaps in the conversation with words. Not meanings, just words. I’m guilty of this too. To have a meaningful connection with someone doesn’t require a long conversation, only a small gesture to say more than hello. For some reason, in our culture, we don’t feel like it’s okay to just be with someone. To sit together and be in our own worlds - together.
I would like to see more of THAT. The being. The honesty. The caring. The ‘I see you, and you see me.’ And, hey, if someone asks you how you’re doing, say something unexpected, just to keep them on their toes.